GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
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[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”