Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
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I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?