Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget