Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”