Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

I have a black belt in leather

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.