Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
#have a #great #PancakeDay
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.