Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions