Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
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Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal