Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

be safe out there!

seems fine

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.