@turtlekiosk

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

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@onion_an

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

@prontopup

What do we want?

A cure for short-term memory loss!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?

@mijamtweets

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

@JohnLyonTweets

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

@iGreenMonk

How boring my life has become!

The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!

@markleggett

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people’s heads saying “The court room sketch artist is so hunky.”

@DJRotaryRachel

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

@_Jkriegs

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

@stevevsninjas

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.