guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

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they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had


[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you


Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked


My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.


10: What’s it like being a grown up?

Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn.

10: This is only $2

M: Exactly


After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)


[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?


ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you


Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.


[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”