guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
#Caturday
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving