Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

🤷‍♀️

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

They’re the worst 😩

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.