GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
You Might Also Like
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL