Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

A small tragedy.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.