Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.