guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
sweet dreams💖
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
TODAY
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.