Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

I have never related to anyone more.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

omg leave her alone