Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

These are too funny not to post 😂

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.