Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

grandpa was shocked

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.