Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

kevin is now a local weatherman

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.