Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?