Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Meeeee too!
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”