Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah