Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
The pasta is now
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
catch me on valentine’s day like
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.