Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

Where’s my employee discount too?

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever