Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!