Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
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ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Poetry is my passion
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
The cycle continues
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*