Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
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I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
British websites use biscuits.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot