In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
What a website
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?