Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
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Me as a therapist: omg same
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”