Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
You Might Also Like
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo