Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
You Might Also Like
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?