Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-