Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
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Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’