Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.