Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

A classic…

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…