Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Seek kebab; not attention

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself