Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Banking tips
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Just why bro?!
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.