Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
You Might Also Like
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
