Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?