A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I missed you with all my darts
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Perfect.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something