Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
You Might Also Like
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.