Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.