Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
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*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us