Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.