Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.