Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?