Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

making sure he doesnt get away

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.