Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I need better friends
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
