GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭