Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real