Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Camel dough
