Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff