Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

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The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.


When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.


“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”


If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.


her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin



me: i’m taking a plane, Karen


*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*


The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.



*endorphins wear off

That shit can’t happen again.