Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I love art.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
But wait…
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
August 8
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on