@HTownHarold

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

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@Marlebean

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

@MissItAintMe

Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh

@bentev28

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

@LlamaInaTux

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

@BlindChow

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

@TweetPotato314

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

@LindaInDisguise

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

@sixfootcandy

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

@TheHyyyype

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.