The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
OMG I LOVE RUNNING!
*endorphins wear off
That shit can’t happen again.