Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.