Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

🤣😂🤣😂

when the buffet is more honest than your date

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do