Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch