Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
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SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable