Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
when dads have a rap battle
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.