guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
hmmmmmm
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?