guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
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I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Hmmmmmmm….
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.