Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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Managing expectations
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
No Google it does not
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
A ghost story
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Meme Monday.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.