Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My dog ate my work from home.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
That’s incredible! 👌
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’