Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.