Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.