Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

what’s in a name?

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.